Why do I want to get married
My friend does not want to get married - If only one dreams of getting married
Do you also know one of those couples with whom the woman has been hoping for a marriage proposal for what feels like decades, while her boyfriend wouldn't dream of going to the jeweler? Or have you been discussing the pros and cons of marriage for ages? You are not alone in this, because this conflict is an absolute classic, knows couples therapist Eric Hegmann and immediately puts a damper on anyone who hoped for a panacea: “The one-sided desire to get married is one of those conflicts that you rarely get into Finds compromise that both are equally satisfied with. ”Oh dear. But he's right. Half-marrying is not an option.
Why do I want to get married?
The desire to get married can be based on a wide variety of reasons. "Often it is the need for security for oneself or for children together," says Eric Hegmann. But it can also be a childhood dream, a result of family pressure or simply correspond to religious convictions. “The motifs,” explains Eric Hegmann, “are definitely very important and each motif also has a story. Often it helps both a lot to know this story. That applies to both sides, because even a “no” has a motive. ”Statistically speaking, the“ no ”comes more often from men up to the age of 30, statistically speaking. It turns later. From around 50, women tend to avoid stepping in front of the altar or the registrar.
"I do want to" - talking doesn't always help
For most couples, the discussion about the wedding ends in an endless loop of demand and withdrawal, often peppered with countless accusations. “Talking is not always the solution,” says Eric Hegmann, “you often go around in circles when talking.” In his practice, he therefore particularly likes to use two exercises that help the couple escape the vicious circle of accusations and justifications. He particularly likes the title of the first exercise. “Compromise with me like with someone you love” is the motto of the exercise “The art of compromise” by Professor John Gottman. This exercise starts with the dissecting knife and reveals: A wedding consists of an incredible number of parts.
The art of finding a compromise
In the exercise, an inner and an outer circle are drawn, then the “wedding” and everything that it stands for is broken down into small parts. The celebration with friends and family, the white dress, the blessing, the last name, the security ... all of this is considered on its own. Then the couple sorted. The non-negotiable premises are placed in the inner circle, the negotiable is in the outer circle. “Couples often find a compromise that is acceptable to both of them, or they suddenly understand the importance of the other's motives better, so that they can deviate from their point of view,” explains the therapist. Another possibility: “The inner team”, an exercise by Friedemann Schulz von Thun. Because not only a wedding consists of many parts, but also our personality - we always suspected it! The second exercise is better done with an expert. “You have to practice that,” says Eric Hegmann. "The exercise is not that easy, especially with two people."
The conflict cannot simply stand still
With all the difficulties in the marriage-yes-or-no-drama - simply leaving the conflict unresolved - Eric Hegmann doesn't think much of that. "If the problem has already turned into an elephant, you have to at least integrate the elephant," he says. Otherwise there is a risk that one person is still hoping and the other has long since ticked off. “It should be clear to both of them at all times what the next steps are,” he says. "In the best case scenario, in the end it is not just the one with the" no "who wins, but the strongest and most convincing motive." In order to determine that, the couple above all needs a good culture of conversation. Their main rule? “Never describe your partner, just yourself!” Says Eric Hegmann. “And always remember: find a compromise like with someone you love.” We think: A really good sentence. Because you sometimes forget about love in an argument. That should actually be the basis of every marriage. Regardless of whether it is already closed or just dreamed of.
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