How is life without a friend

I am a woman over 45 and have been single for over ten years

Last weekend I was at a ball. No act of desperation, according to the motto: So, tonight he has to finally stand in front of me, the man for life. No, I just wanted to pretzel up, a silk dress, pinned up hair, great jewelry. I wanted to talk, dance, maybe flirt a little, nothing else. Most of the guests were in their late thirties, it tingled and shimmered. In the ballroom everyone had to indicate their age and height - "suitable" dance partners were placed next to each other.

I said: 47, height 1.74 meters. I was promptly put to a table with three married couples in their late 50s and two men over 60. I took a seat between the two of them, but immediately one of them was seated at another table. What was left was the distant guy on my right, lawyer, sympathy factor: zero. I didn't have any fun for a second that evening, nor did I dance, nobody asked me to. I escaped early. On the way back I thought: typical. As if someone was turning a screw up there in the sky and grinning and saying: No, girl, that doesn't work for you with the men. And the bit of fun you crave, you won't even get that from me.

A year ago I would have cried after such an evening at home. Again and again these huge expectations, before every party, every trip, every date. And then, with worrying inevitability: nothing again. At some point I felt like a long-term unemployed who wrote one application after the other and was turned away every time. That sucks, that wears you down.

Forever single?

I have tried almost everything to find the right person and have failed again and again. The chance that it will still work is very, very slim; maybe not as tiny as winning the lottery, but like a five with a super number, definitely. It's like the long-term unemployed mentioned: If you haven't had a job in your mid-40s for over ten years, no employer will take you anymore.

I am not unhappy. I like my life, my beautiful apartment, my job as a PR manager for big fashion brands. I make great trips, have girlfriends - mostly gay - with whom I can talk about anything and have a lot of fun. Now that I am listing it, I have to think of the pin board in my teenage room. When I was 14, I pinned a lot of things there that I liked back then: fashion spreads, photos of exciting clothes, advertisements from major cosmetic companies. I particularly remember the image of a blonde woman with rimless glasses, very sophisticated, who climbs into a sports car with grandeur. Today I see this pin board as a symbol of my life. Everything that could be seen on it has come true for me: a job that has to do with beauty, independence, success. And everything my friends had on their pin boards - pictures of good-looking boys, romance, love, togetherness - was denied to me.

For a long time there was no shortage of men in my life

I've had two great loves and a couple of affairs. I was with Tom from 20 to 26, I met Carlo when I was 32. He was an attractive, fashion photographer, an exciting, very rare overall man. Other women thought so too. One of them kept trying to dock with him, and after a year I broke up. He is now married and has one child. "Why not with me?" I ask myself sometimes. I had my last long story when I was 36. Walter was a manager, five years older, and lived 500 kilometers away during the week. After half a year of long-distance relationships, he suddenly wanted children. I couldn't imagine building a family straight away with a workaholic I hardly knew, and I said: maybe later. Shortly afterwards he received a text message: "You are a great woman, live your life!" At some point I found out that while we were having an affair, he had impregnated another woman who was also desperate to have children.

I don't want a 60-year-old or a significantly younger one

After that, when he was in his early 40s, male-wise it no longer slipped at all. Those I wanted, my peers, had suddenly disappeared from the scene. A whole generation of men - gone, gone, invisible. I don't want a 60-year-old or a significantly younger one, no, I want a soul mate who grew up like me in the 80s. At that time I read Böll and Hesse and heard music by Spandau Ballet and Depeche Mode. I would like to share this common background with him. Ideally with someone who says to me: honey, I've worked so much in the last few years, now I want to enjoy life with you.

Help, you have completely exaggerated claims, say my friends. The men you dream of are drawn to 20 years younger to whom they can explain the world. And I know men love down. Dear Hartz IV recipient as a business woman, I know the theory. Still, it has to work, I thought for a long time. I searched the Internet and placed an ad in the newspaper. One of them wrote me six pages without a picture from prison. Another sent me photos in motorcycle gear with his gang. One was widowed, two children, I got a call - until he told me he wasn't ready. I've seen something like this over and over again in recent years. You spend a nice evening with a man and never hear from him again. The self-doubts grew. Am I too sexy, too tall, too heavily made up or not enough? Do I laugh too loudly, do I seem too interested, too disinterested, too stylish? You always radiate something. And I don't think I seem like someone who is easy to have sex with. At times I changed my look completely and only wore jeans, blouses and ponytails because men supposedly like women to steal horses.

"You have too many claims," ​​they say

I had a horoscope drawn up and talked about therapy. I'm Gemini, with Libra ascendant, and the horoscope showed: It could work again with great love, maybe later. The therapist found that I had neither abused nor experienced any trauma that would make it impossible for me to build trust. Still, when I think back to my childhood, I often felt like a stranger in my family. My older sister was exactly as my parents wanted their daughter to be. I, on the other hand, was seen as a loner. She has a family today, I'm alone. Psychologists say yes that one learns the ability to bond in childhood and later unconsciously reproduces the emotional closeness or distance that one had to the mother and / or the father with potential partners. That would mean that I would, without wanting to, look for men with whom no real closeness is possible because I cannot live them myself. Really?

Rather, I think I missed the jump. Many couples find each other in their early or mid-30s, marry, have children and then stay together. To this day, the standard program "Row house, two children and the neighbors come for a barbecue on Saturdays" doesn't appeal to me at all. As if men sensed that, the shrill number tends to happen to me.

Men over the age of 45 are coveted, women are difficult to place

I completely underestimated one topic: men over 45 are coveted, women are difficult to place. That made me angry for a long time. And sad. So existential that my whole body hurt and I was afraid of getting seriously ill. You have to find a way to deal with your unfulfilled longing, otherwise it will destroy you, I told myself. It was hard work, but I managed to make my peace with myself.

Today I don't look any more, don't hope, don't expect anything. I don't think I'll meet him anymore, the man who loves me for who I am. An adult woman of 47 with the onset of cellulite and small wrinkles, but strong, smart, self-confident. Of course, the longing for love and to be loved remains. But maybe not everything one wishes for will come true in every life. You have to accept that. And shouldn't be bitter about it. Today I can spend entire weekends with myself without thinking about what I am missing. I read, cook for myself, enjoy the peace and quiet. When I go out of the house, when the air is warm and the birds are chirping, I look up at the sky and am happy with what I have. The sun, life, myself.