How do narcissists treat their daughters

Narcissistic Mothers: Why Children Suffer From Them All Their Lives

Children are always the focus of a family. And so should they. Narcissistic mothers see it differently: in their families everything revolves around the mom - and if not, then she takes care of it by all means. With fatal consequences: The mother-child relationship is extremely damaged and the little souls sometimes suffer for their entire lives. With Dr. Oliver Dierssen, a specialist in child and adolescent psychiatry and psychotherapy, spoke on the subject.

What are narcissistic mothers and how is it expressed?

Dr. Dierssen knows that mothers with narcissistic personality disorder are in dire straits themselves. You cannot enter into a balanced, loving relationship with yourself or with other people in your environment.

Narcissism is all about self-worth. “It is differently easy for people to keep their self-esteem stable. Some only succeed in this through constant encouragement from outside. If the determining characteristic in the parent-child relationship is that children should first and foremost sense and fulfill their parents' plan and purpose in life, then a narcissistic constellation may exist. " so Dr. Dierssen.

Narcissistic mothers see themselves in their children. They love their children dearly, they love as the children admire them.

Dr. Dierssen

Narcissistic mothers see themselves in their children. They love their children dearly, they love as the children admire them. Dr. Dierssen goes on to say that narcissistic mothers adore the "descendant" of themselves in the child. As long as the child conforms to the mother, there is a strong and very close relationship.

It is different when the child gets older and develops / wants to develop autonomously. Then narcissistic mothers find it difficult to accept the child's need for independence and independence. They then withdraw offended and can no longer support their children as we might expect.

The needs of the children then take a back seat and are sometimes not even met. The world only revolves around the narcissistic mother, which becomes difficult when interacting with a child in need of autonomy.

What does the mother's narcissism do to the children?

There is therefore the risk that children are not lovingly accompanied by narcissists, which is particularly noticeable during developmental steps. The children are left to their own devices, scared and insecure. They cannot develop a stable personality because then they are deprived of loving and understanding interaction.

Narcissistic mothers often see themselves in their daughters, which is why it is often difficult for them. During puberty, the daughter becomes a competition in the eyes of the mother. We all know that especially children during puberty are particularly sensitive and need support to find their way around.

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Dr. Dierssen goes on to explain: “If a child develops in such a way that it primarily satisfies the parents' excessive needs and longings, the child's individual development is neglected. It can lose access to its own feelings and desires and - instead of developing freely - develop like a tightly wired and bent bonsai tree into a small reflection of its parents. "

"Since the child's own needs fall by the wayside, the child also runs the risk of developing these insatiable longings later as an adult and transferring them to their own children," explains Dr. Dierssen away.

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How can children deal with narcissistic mothers?

Younger children in particular cannot free themselves from their situation. They don't even notice that they are not growing up safe. They don't notice that until they are in school at the earliest. In addition, every child loves their mother, no matter what she does or doesn't do.

Dr. Dierssen goes on to say: “As a rule, children do not feel what is going on with their parents. Rather, they experience the parents sometimes as kind-hearted, generous and caring, then again as weak, needy and ailing. This often leads to an overly intense bond with the parents that is very stressful for the child's psyche, which makes the healthy development of autonomy difficult. "

Affected people report that they only noticed what was going on in adulthood and that they often need support from the environment in order to isolate themselves. In order not to adopt the behavioral patterns of narcissistic mothers and to come to terms with their own childhood, many of those affected seek the help of a psychologist.

So there is no silver bullet and those affected have to find their own way. Some children of narcissistic mothers have put their experience into books. Maybe this is a way to take courage?

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How can the family environment help?

Since the mother's humiliation takes place behind closed doors, it is difficult for those around you to intervene. Perhaps seek a conversation with the children and also with the mother. The youth welfare office can also support the community and be a first point of contact. Don't look the other way, try to help the whole family.

From his experience, Dr. Dierssen that it is difficult to help people with a narcissistic personality because they are rarely fully aware of their psychological problems. For this reason, parents with a narcissistic structure are often critical of outside help and dismiss helpful people as “intruders”.

In conclusion, Dr. Dierssen summarizes: “Above all, the children affected need stable and reliable external caregivers who do not interfere too much with the child’s loyalty to the affected parent. It would be a mistake to entangle the children in conflicts of loyalty or even to get them to stand against the affected parent. This is only possible if other stable educators are there over a very long period of time and support the child. "

We thank Dr. Dierssen for the detailed interview!

Image source: Gettyimages / Alfira Poyarkova