Why do individuals give relationship advice

Relationship: 5 tips that women can use to save themselves disappointment

1. Don't become a hobby psychiatrist

It has become popular to explain abnormal behavior with psychiatric self-diagnoses. Is he possibly a narcissist (“lack of empathy”), a borderliner (“disregarding the feelings of others”) or a psychopath (“superficial charm”)? Possible. Or maybe he's in very good health and just has a problematic character.

A psychiatric professional would have to interview and assess him for a serious diagnosis. He studied for six to seven years and then practiced clinically. There are criteria for personality disorders and mental illnesses. Everything else is guesswork. You are not helping anyone and would harm a real sick person.

As a partner, you shouldn't even get into this role. You can recommend a medical expert to men who can only be explained by psychiatric diagnoses. Otherwise, you should steer clear of them. Block on your mobile phone, unfriend you on Facebook and waste as few thoughts as possible on them.

2. Don't apologize for any behavior

The same applies to excusing inappropriate social behavior with psychological interpretations. Is he really an “introverted head person” and not just a grouch? "Too emotional, he feels too deeply" or just uncontrolled? "Too often disappointed and therefore not yet ready for a new relationship" or not just immature even well beyond 40?

Some understanding women found that he was very much ready for a relationship, marriage and children - just with someone else. That he could behave very well as soon as his boss and his colleagues were sitting next to them. All the nice explanations that had been laid out apparently only ever applied to certain people.

Here, too, you can and should expect adult behavior from a partner. Everyone has their own peculiarities that you have to accept with loving patience in a relationship. But a minimum of communication, commitment and demeanor are imperative. Otherwise, you shouldn't spend any time together at all.

3. Mind reading is not your job

Some think men's heads are crystal balls and want to peek into them all the time: Which thoughts could one read out, which hidden desires could be found and fulfilled? Problematic relationships arouse the wrong ambition: “My partner doesn't talk to me! That can only mean that we understand each other without words. "

Autism, however, is a disease. Not a lifestyle that one should strive for enthusiastically. You are not there to constantly sense the needs of the other. It is of course good to show empathy, to be considerate and sensitive. But you don't always have to think ahead for everyone. It is every adult's responsibility to communicate.

So don't let yourself be tempted or even blackmailed into becoming a mind reader: "If you love me, you will understand me that way too!" Surround yourself with someone who will communicate with you in a positive way. Encourage someone who at first has a hard time with it out of shyness or inexperience - but not indefinitely, either.

4. Talk to him, not about him

Many talk to all sorts of people about their partner's soul life - just not him. Does mom confirm he's acting inappropriately? What does the little sister and best friend say? What is the assessment in the Facebook group, and has the acquaintance from the sports course not already had similar experiences?

Talking to someone you trust can be helpful. Ideally, this is not someone who has never managed a long-term relationship himself. In general, however, you should discuss relationship problems with your partner. That is less easy than complaining about him elsewhere, but only there at the right address.

Do you see such conversations as an important check: Can you talk to each other at all - let each other speak, listen, react appropriately? If not, the whole relationship has little future and you can plan accordingly. Even a professionally guided couple therapy requires that both want and cooperate.

5. Help when needed, but not all the time

If you really would like to work as a therapist or social worker, you should take appropriate further training and then get paid for each interview. Or alternatively offer an honorary position at the church, the refugee aid or in the association for abandoned constant complainers. A relationship is the wrong place for permanent help.

You don't have to fathom anyone, analyze or improve, and shouldn't. It incapacitates your counterpart, upsets your relationship and in the end you will not be thanked. You may help for years and, when it is over, you still have to listen to yourself: "I never would have thought that you were so selfish!"

End relationships that are based on compassion. That does not mean that you cannot support afterwards, for example slipping something to an ex-partner who often has money problems. But that happens under different conditions, namely voluntarily and in individual cases. Some have to learn their lesson first to get better.

Each of the five basic rules will help you restore the balance between giving and giving. You are responsible for yourself and no longer exhaust yourself with re-educating another adult or pushing them to do something. Example: If your partner has been finding new explanations for the last ten years as to why they cannot move in with you even though you wish they could, it is not up to you. You are wasting your time.

Devote your energy to your own activities, be they professional or private. Say what you want early on - even if it is seemingly tricky things like wanting to marry or have children. You are an attractive, independent partner who is interesting for someone who shares your basic ideas. Too much strength and time for the wrong people will only hold you up and distract you on this path.