Is Harry Potter real or fake



(remastered: Now with fewer spelling errors, better formatting, clear dialogue actors and uniform spelling)



A loud screeching from his nephew Harry's room had roused Mr. Dursley from his sleep.
"Third time this week," he growled. "If you can't get your horror movie phobia under control, you'll be kicked out!"

But his words were drowned out in a loud, drawn-out belch. The author of this was Dudley. Harry burped too. Dudley responded immediately.
“Hey, I have the copyright on the burp. I'm suing you for copyright infringement for $ 500,000. "

"More ham," Dudley said.
Snape stormed in.
"HAM, HAM, HAM," he roared and disappeared.

"Didn't I tell you ...", raged his uncle, "the word with * insert any letters here * does not appear in this house."
"What? Redhead? "

"And Dudley, where are you?"
"In the door. 'May I take your jackets and the contents of them off, Mr and Mrs Mason?' "
"You will be delighted!" Cried Aunt Petunia.

"At 8:15 am ..." "Please have a seat," said Aunt Petunia. "And then we'll all watch 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' on ProSieben."

“We should throw a few compliments on when we eat. Dudley? "
"How about: 'At school we should write an essay about our hero and I wrote about you, even though I don't know you at all and I don't know who you are'."

"And tomorrow at this time, we can take care of a vacation home on Mallorca." Uncle Vernon rejoiced.
An unknown old woman came into the kitchen.
"Mal Lor Ca ... Well, we always went to the Harz Mountains."

“You are not allowed to do magic. Dad would throw you out and you have nowhere to go, ”Dudley said.
"SimsalabimHomoSapiensPhallusErrectus"
"Mom mom. He does it. You already know what he's doing. "

Harry crept into his room and quietly closed the door. He wanted to collapse on his bed - but someone was already sitting there. It was ... Hermione Granger.

"Dobby is here to tell you, 'It's difficult.'"
Harry grinned. "It's on my Facebook page too."

"Shh." Harry made and tried at the same time to give Dobby a reassuring look and to point invitingly to the bed and to hum the melody of Jeopardy and to touch his nose with his tongue. All at the same time.

“Whatever you've heard about my height is utter nonsense. I'm not even senior at Hogwarts. This is Zabini ... ”He paused, because the last memory of Zabini hurt.

What he saw there was the rest of his stomach. He vomited directly on Aunt Petunia's masterpiece of cream and candied pineapple.

'We would like to point out that this act is a grave offense and that we deeply hate you.
Enjoy your vacation.
Sincerely
Mafalda Hopfkirch
PS: And woe betide you come up with the idea of ​​knocking me out and using it as a polyjuice source. '

Harry was in the car now, next to Fred, George, Ron and the big bars and the trunk and the cage. And all in a Ford Anglia.

“You could easily cut a slice of Percy, it's called cannibalism. And anyway ... you could have died. Or even worse. You could have been seen. "

"With the enchanting witch Celistina Warbeck."
Fleur floated into the room: "A cauldron full of 'extremely strong love!"

"Your Quidditch team?" Harry asked.
“Yes, the Chudley Cannons. That's what I spent all my pocket money on and now it's mine. ”Ron said happily.

"Close your pants, bitch!"

“You can't listen to a Malfoy. Bad blood, that's it. "
Draco Malfoy got to his feet and called from the background, "But come in."

Harry and Ron leaned over their trunk. A few more meters, they started running ... nothing happened.

“And even underage magicians are allowed to perform magic in emergency situations. Section something from the year You know about the limitation of I don't know what. "
"Oh you mean. Yes, of course, you are right. It's good that you thought of it. "

“My wand. Take a look at my wand. "
Ron's wand was almost broken in two. The tip drooped and was only held by a few tendons.
“Wow, you have a great wand. A wand made from a wood with sinews. That's better than the elder wand. ”Harry was impressed.
"What is the elder wand?"
"You must know the Elder Wand from the fairy tale of the three brothers."
"So who grew up here with Muggles and who with wizards?"

"Maybe he's sick."
"Maybe he quit."
"Because again he is not allowed to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts."
“Or they threw him out. Nobody likes him. "
"Or he was kidnapped."
"Or he's dead."
"Or Filch hit his bum again ..."
"No, I don't want to imagine that!"

Severus Snape stood before them, his black cloak flapping in the cold breeze. In the castle. In late summer. In front of the great hall. Even though Harry and Ron had sweated before.

"When Mrs. Davis wanted to hang up her laundry in Norfolk at lunchtime, M.r Biblis described a total of six witnesses to the police ... and all of that without any sentence structure."

Now that she said it, it seemed the most natural. "I didn't think so, never," Harry admitted.
"Oh, that explains a lot," said Professor McGonagall.

"You're throwing us out, aren't you?" Said ron meekly.
Dumbledore smiled. "Not today. We'll give you two days to feel safe and then we will throw you out of the castle in a night and fog action. "

"Come on, Severus, there's a delicious-looking mustard cake that I really want to try."
"No thanks. I would prefer custard cake. "
“Oh sorry, that's what I meant. I found it so difficult to read Klaus Fritz's director's card. "

Then you were alone with Professor Gonagall. She had had her name changed at short notice during Snape and Dumbledore's conversation.

"Oh no," moaned Ron.
"It's okay, he's still alive," Hermione said, patting Eroll.
"That is it. As long as Eroll lives, I won't get a new owl. "

“After everything we've done for you. You and Harry could have broken your neck. Or the arms, the legs, the nose. What an incredible shame if you found yourself walking around with a broken nose. What would the neighbors say about that? "

"Oh. Haloooo, Halooo. Just briefly explained to Professor Sprout how to properly treat a Whomping Willow. I happened to come across a few of these exotic species on my world travels. Not that Professor Sprout developed and bred this himself at Hogwarts and that it is one of a kind, no no. After all, I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, a seven-time winner of the Most Charming Smile Award. I can do it."

"Harry," Lockhart said, his large, white teeth flashing.
"Harry, Harry, Harry." Harry looked at him in confusion.
"Harry, Harry, Harry." Harry was about to say 'Harry what?' to ask, but controlled himself.
"Harry, Harry, Harry." This time he went too far for Harry and so he patted Lockhart on the head. A hollow sound was heard and the vibrations of Lockhart's skull brought the needle back on the right record.
“Harry, Harry, Harry. When I heard about it. Of course ... it's all my fault. I could have slapped myself. You on the front page and trending word of the day on Twitter and Facebook, that really wasn't my intention. I immediately commissioned the Schleswig-Holstein data protection ministry. "

“It's only natural that you want a little more as soon as you've tasted it, and I blame myself for giving you the taste. I know a good clinic for people with sex addiction, ”Lockhart offered.
"I'm twelve," said Harry.
"I meant alcohol problems, of course."
"I won't drink my first Butterbeer for a year."
“I also meant ADS. Seven books, eight films ... that can't be good. "

Then she rubbed the crumbs of earth off her hands, took off her gloves and pointed up with her thumb. Immediately, all of the students' cell phones vibrated. Hermione read aloud. "Repot mandrakes. Pomona Sprout likes that. "

"I know everything about you. How you survived when you-know-who tried to kill you and how he disappeared and that you have a lightning scar. And that your name is Harry. "
"Oh yes, and what's my godfather's name?"
"Sirius Black, but from next year Sirius Black."
“Well, you wise guy. And who did Voldemort kill first? My mum or my dad? "
"I killed your dad first, of course ... um, I mean, Voldemort did that." He ran away and Harry's scar started to hurt badly.

“And some of you need to read 'A Year With a Yeti' more carefully. There I make it clear that the ideal birthday present would be the harmony of all magical and non-magical living beings. "
A few months later: Hermione went into a store.
"The harmony of all magical and non-magical living beings, to take away, please."
"Would you like me to wrap it up as a present?"
"Oh, that would be good and spice everything up with a helping of world peace."

The rest of the pixies set out to devastate the classroom more thoroughly than a mad rhinoceros. Klaus Fritz stormed in.
"Hippopotamus, I wrote hippopotamus."
But the elves had formed into a rhinoceros and ran him over.
Aberforth came on the scene. "Hippo! Hippo, you idiot. That's a rhinoceros! "

Nothing seemed to be more fun to Colin than shouting "How's Harry up?" Several times a day and every time. "Already much worse." To be heard.

And behind the six stocky figures in front of them, another, smaller person appeared. It was ... Hermione Granger.

"And a term that our Hermione can't explain, you have to find first ... okay, except for Mudblood."

“And no magic, Weasley. Armschmalz. "
Ron looked puzzled.
"What the hell is armwax?"

"Yes I know. Six months at the top of the bestseller list. Broke all records. "
"No." said Harry. "You do not have. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets was on top much longer. "

"Big Scottglas, what does the clock say?"
The clock said: “Let me tear you apart, let me tear you apart. Let me kill you. "
"My new ringtone," laughed Lockhart.

"Did you read?"
"No," Harry lied quickly. Filch devoured his bony hands. Harry watched in disgust as Filch chewed with relish, swallowed both of his hands with great effort and put his bleeding wrists in the shoulder bag.

The almost headless Nick floated towards them through the crowd of ghosts. "Is it fun?" He asked. Harry turned to stare into Severus Snape's face.
He repeated the question. "Is it fun? Great guy her father, isn't it? "

And everyone else turned around in amazement when a hunting horn sounded. The ghosts too.

“I can remember a very similar case in Ouagadougou. This is the capital of Burkina Faso. I sold amulets to everyone there and nothing more happened after that. And suddenly I was rich. "

"Not dead? But why is it so stiff and hard? ”Filch asked.
“Oh, she must have eaten a couple of my Viagratablets. I'm really sorry. ”Dumbledore replied.
Lockhart was in his element. "Ah, I thought to myself."

"Who can I say about that, Headmaster," Snape said, stepping out of the shadows.
"No, I'm afraid you mustn't," replied Dumbledore.
Snape merged with the shadows again.

"Ron, this is a girls' bathroom," said Percy, horrified. "What are you doing in there ...?"
“We just looked around a bit. Gained experience, you already know. "

"Snape said it's in a book called Highly Impotent Potions."

“Homework: Write a poem about my victory over the werewolf. As a reward, there will be my autobiography with a dedication for the best poem. Not that you already had to buy all of my books, now you get the signed edition too. What offer!"

"Get the Snitch before Malfoy does or die trying, Harry. Incidentally, today's match will be recorded and released on DVD. It is titled 'Get The Snitch Or Die Tryin' and is accompanied by music from 50Cent. "

Then he heard a familiar click nearby. “I want a big photo of this, Colin. A3, with 2mm bleed, high gloss, please. "

“Miss Granger, Mister Weasley. Would you go with him, please. Madame Pomfrey will fuck them together. "

"No," said Harry, getting into bed. With his arm bobbing around aimlessly, he swung himself onto the bed. For the second time.

They had bought cakes, candy, and bottles of pumpkin juice and were getting ready for a promising party. Professor McGonagall gave them permission to go to Hogsmeade to buy the things. And they had done that and returned after just half an hour.

“Quiet, this boy needs rest. After all, 33 bones have to grow back. The 30 bones from arm and hand and three more that I don't mention here because ... well ... go now! "

"And then Dobby had to shine his hands."
"Yes and? It's not a real punishment. "
Dobby looked around and whispered, “In reality, Dobby had to iron his hands. But Klaus Fritz, the family lawyer who serves Dobby, said Dobby shouldn't tell that. "

Dobby stood on an imaginary balcony and spoke full of pathos: “Harry Potter survived. And the Dark Lord's power was broken. And a new morning dawned. And Harry Potter shone like a beacon of hope for those of us who thought the dark days would never end. ”The imaginary crowd cheered and roared. Dobby smiled blissfully and jumped ready to stage diving ... and fell.

Harry straightened up a few inches. He looked at the stature. A beam of moonlight lit her face. It was ... Hermione Granger.

All he knew was that his legs carried him forward as if he were moving on rollers. He crossed the great hall and looked around. There was still one free chair. He pressed his hands over his mouth. "If 13 people are seated at the table, the first will ..."

Hermione concluded, “For all we know, it could be you. And we know a lot. I was just briefly in the library and it said that you are related to Salazar Slytherin in the 24th generation. "

Professor McGonagall finally conjured up a large blow dryer and gave Ernie the task of blowing him into the hospital wing. He pressed the switch, but nothing happened.
"Oh yes. Electric power and Hogwarts. There was something. Even if it does, the hair dryer is bad anyway. This brand alone. 'Fritz Föhns and Co.', that can't go well. We'd rather take a fan. "

They ran towards the figure. But their hearts sank into their pants. It wasn't a Slytherin. It was ... Hermione Granger.

"That Peter Weasley."
"Pettegrew," corrected Ron, as if by himself.
"Anyway. I've seen him sneaking around a lot lately. "

Malfoy stopped in front of a bare stone wall. It was already damp. "How was the new passport saying again? Oh yes: 'Slytherin - Not just clean, but pure'! "

“To Miss Granger, to whom I wish a quick depilation. From their teacher who only pays attention to the appearance. Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of the Merlin 3.Great, hero of the magical community, member of the League of Defense Against the Dark Arts and five-time winner of the Most Charming Smile Award of Witch Week! "

On the first page he could only see the name T.M. Recognize Riddel in smudged ink writing. Klaus Fritz stormed into the toilet, tore the book from Harry's hand, crossed out T.M. Riddel and wrote T.V. Riddle in.
"Sorry, slipped through my fingers while translating."
"Who are ...?" But before Harry could finish his question, Klaus Fritz had already disappeared.

"Because Filch let me polish the medal about a hundred times," Ron scolded.
"A medal? So a few weeks ago it was a trophy and also ... "
But again he was interrupted, again it was Klaus Fritz who shouted: "Fifty, my dear, fifty, I saw it exactly."

Not even Aunt Maibel's birthday or dentist 3:30 p.m. Instead, there was an ear, nose and throat doctor at 5:30 p.m.

Hermione was able to leave the hospital wing in late February. Madame Pomfrey actually wanted to release her at the beginning of February, but Klaus Fritz thought it better to keep her in the sick wing for a whole month.

"I wonder what T.M. Riddle got his award. ”Harry said.
“Maybe he killed Myrtle. With that he would have done everyone a favor. ”Ron thought aloud.
Voldermort appeared. "Thank you for the flowers. But how do you know that? "

The dwarf sat on Harry's legs and began to sing. All around him, the students took green rosettes out of their pockets, put them on and sang along loudly: "His eyes, so green, like freshly cured toad"

Harry wrote. 'My name is Harry Potter.' Then something happened. Out of the paper, words appeared that he had not written.
'Harry Potter? The Harry Potter? I am your biggest fan!'

Hagrid defended his monster. “It never attacked anyone. He would never do it. He never ... Oh crap, now I've contradicted myself. Forget it!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had long known of Hagrid's unhappy love for monstrous creatures. He loved her idolatrously, but this love was never returned, which is why Hagrid often sat very drunk in the three brooms.

When they reached the iron castle portal, a stone fell from their hearts ... and onto their feet. Ron started cursing loudly again and this time Snape didn't sneeze.

The stranger had rumpled gray hair and looked frightened. He was small and ... Fudge rummaged in his pockets and handed Klaus Fritz a handful of galleons. "Take that and don't write that I'm short and stout."

"Only for a short time. No punishment, Hagrid. Just a precaution. If someone else gets caught, come out with an official apology. If not, well, then not. "
"Not Azkaban ?!"
"Azkaban?" Asked Fudge, puzzled.
Malfoy entered the hut. "Yes, Azkaban, the wizard's prison, my goodness, Fudge, if you think even more slowly, go backwards."

"Shouldn't there be werewolves in the forest?" Asked Ron in fear.
“Now you're starting too, we already had that last year. To make it short: ask again in a year. "

“I bet he thought Aragog wouldn't hurt his friends. And he was right. Aragog's friends are fine. "
“That's his problem. He constantly believes monsters aren't as bad as their reputation. And damn it, he's right. "

The creature sounded like a monster Voldemort. Even spiders didn't mention the name. Suddenly Harry was wide awake. “I know what's in the chamber. It's Voldemort! "

There was a crash behind Harry. Neville Longbottom's wand had fallen from his hand and two legs of his table had disappeared. The class turned. There sat Neville, at his table. However, it was only missing one leg.
Klaus Fritz stormed into the classroom: “My mistake! I'm sorry! But honestly, does a table make noise if only one leg is missing? "

"Spit it out," said Ron.
“Well, I spit it out. I don't want to deny that we had a lot of fun here, but I thought we had achieved a little more by now and destroyed the Horcruxes. ”Percy said angrily. "Remember my words!"

"Well the point is ... I ran into Ginny the other day and saw me doing something and I asked her not to talk about it ..."
“How did she get you, Percy? Tell us, we definitely won't laugh. "
"Well, I have ..."
Dumbledore called into his megaphone: "PIIIEEP! THIS IS NOTHING FOR STUDENTS! "

Harry was more interested in Hermione's right hand. She was balled up on the bedspread. 'What could she do with it?' Dumbledore came back inside. "What are you actually so dirty and superficial?"

To his right was an ugly wardrobe full of empty cloaks.
"In there."
Even before the first teachers arrived, Klaus Fritz ran into the staff room. “That closet there isn't real. He is on your left, not on your right, take the left, even if you don't see him. "

"This is the end of Hogwarts." The flat screen TV on the opposite wall came on and showed the Harry Potter 7.2 trailer. The teachers stared spellbound at this technological marvel. The trailer ended and they all read 'It all ends'.

"Harry Potter. I've waited a long time for this opportunity to meet you. To talk to you. To see you, to smell you. To feel you And now I'm standing here and can't hold back any longer and have to ask you, like a real gentleman ... you want to fuck? "

“Ginny just loved me. Oh yeah. And although I hate this feeling, can't stand it, it causes me pain. "

“Voldemort is my past, my present. And my future: Harry Potter! "

"You're not. The greatest wizard in the world. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the greatest wizard in the world is Albus Dumbledore. Everyone says that. And what everyone says is true. I fully subscribe to the mass opinion and that is why Dumbledore is the greatest wizard in the world. "
Riddle laughed, but apart from that nothing happened. Harry looked around.
"DUMBLEDORE IS THE GREATEST WIZARD IN THE WORLD!" Fawkes floated down. "Finally," Harry muttered.

The music got louder. She seemed out of this world.
"Where does the music come from?" Asked Riddle.
"No idea, ask the DJ."
"Hey DJ ?! Make the phoenix quieter. ”And it got quieter.

“You're hiding, you're barely alive, YOU ARE UGLY, you're hideous. YOU ARE GERMANY!"

If it's dying like that, then it's not so bad at all, Harry thought. This cold, cruel walk to his own execution.

The Moaning Myrtle looked at him. “I just thought a little. If you had died, you would be dead. "

“It was his diary. I wrote in it and he wrote back all year. "
Mr. Wealsey startled. "Ginny! Did I teach you something, I didn't even know that you could write. That's wonderful!"

He held up the little black book with the big black hole. Unfortunately you couldn't see the hole because black on black remains black. Albert Einstein came to the office for this. "I knew it. There are black holes! "

Harry had been to many parties, but this one was different. Everyone had appeared in their pajamas and was talking wildly. The doors of the Great Hall flew open. Inside said MadEye Moody.
"What do we have here? Ne pajama party? "

Defense Against the Dark Arts was no longer given.
"We've got a lot of practice with that anyway." Harry comforted the disappointed Hermione.
Klaus Fritz ran through the corridor and read the original English edition.
“Really children. Ron says that to Hermione. And Hermione, you are not sad and you do not need to be comforted. The simplest things and the amateur actors screw it up! "

Harry pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
“This is called an ICQ number. Then you can reach me during the holidays. "
“Who still uses ICQ? Do not you have facebook?"

"Proud? Are you crazy? When I could have died so often and didn't make it. "
"But don't they worry who tried to kill you?"
“No, but if I do, I know what to say. I'll say: 'It was ...' "



You can imagine the rest: D
This is how the second chapter of this completely crazy story ends. Reviews are welcome.
Sequel follows.
I think it's all said.
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