Why did my father hit me

Koni Rohner on family reconciliation: "My father hit me"

You have chosen a difficult path, but I think your intention is great. You seem to have realized that there is no peace in life when there is tension with your parents - even if, as an adult, you think you have broken away from them.

Forgiveness is the order of the day; only one cannot do it willingly; it is always a gift if it succeeds. But you can work towards it. The first step is not to turn a blind eye to the pain or fear you have suffered. The agony or horror was there and affected life as a child.

About this - and this is the second step - one has to mourn and can also get angry afterwards. When you have gone through this phase, the question arises of what still needs to be said or done to end the “unfinished business” - Gestalt psychologists speak of this as an “unfinished business”.

Your deal could be done by telling your father personally and seriously how you suffered from his alcohol-related outbursts of anger and violence as a child. This is not about reproaches or a conviction, but about the simple communication of the suffering at the time.

Ideally, your father will be touched and apologize. In most cases, however, parents cannot accept such communications because they cannot bear to admit mistakes. You will still feel relieved because you have once been able to clearly state what you have experienced. It will help you break free from the hateful entanglement with the father. You may now be able to build a new, positive son-father relationship - you may just continue on your own path, but with less stress.

Accepting parents is part of creating an identity
It is important for men and women to honor their parents - regardless of whether they were "good" or "bad" - because they owe their lives to them. In addition, the relationship with the parents also plays an important role in personal development. Those who can accept the same-sex parent and live in peace with them have a stronger and more secure identity as a man or a woman.

The early childhood relationship of the girl to the father and of the boy to the mother is the first encounter with the opposite sex and therefore formative. If this relationship was fraught with conflict, the partnerships in adults can also be overlaid by chronic conflict. So it is definitely worth it to come to terms with your parents.