How can I love someone unconditionally

Unconditional love: this is how you give it and know when it's real

Experience unconditional love - we all want that. We long for true love because it is the most basic human longing, but unfortunately we mostly look for it in the wrong places.

Yes, as Rumi said beautifully:

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"Your task is not to look for love, but only to look for and find all the obstacles in you that you have built up against it."

What this really means is that we cannot look for love and salvation outside, but that we have to work on all of the limiting beliefs and barriers that we carry within ourselves that prevent us from being receptive to love.

But we are doing exactly the opposite. We have this idea in our head from movies and books that there is a person out there who will completely fill us up.

We have an image of this person in our head and whenever we meet someone we like, we try to project that image onto them. But what we fall in love with is a picture and no person on this planet can really do justice to this ideal, he can approach it, but it cannot be identical with our picture.

What is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is a selfless act. You don't do it for yourself.

While it overlaps in some ways with other types of love, there are other elements that set them apart.

You can recognize them by these key characteristics:

  1. Unconditional love can promote emotional health

A small study looked at the regions of the brain that are activated by feelings of unconditional love. The results of the study suggest that unconditional love activates some of the same areas of the brain's reward system that activate romantic love.

In other words, the simple act of loving someone unconditionally can evoke positive feelings.

Receiving unconditional love can also make a difference in emotional wellbeing. Research shows that children who receive more affection and care from their parents or caregivers tend to be more resilient in adulthood. They also tend to experience fewer mental health symptoms and be more confident.

Findings from one study support the idea that unconditional love for children improves their lifelong health and wellbeing. This suggests that unconditional parental love might offer some protection against the harmful, often long-lasting effects of childhood trauma or abuse.

  1. Loving unconditionally feels safe

Unconditional love can instill a sense of confidence in both childhood and adulthood.

Having confidence in someone's love and knowing that it will not go away can help create secure bonds and promote idiosyncrasies such as autonomy, independence, and self-worth.

When you know that your parents or caregivers will love you even when you make mistakes or do things they don't approve of - from failing in class to having a drink at a party when you are underage - you will feel more comfortable making your own decisions and learning from them.

In the context of friendship, unconditional love can survive tests such as conflicts, falling apart or different goals in life.

When it comes to romantic relationships, unconditional love could mean that love won't go away, despite challenges like life-changing health conditions or changes in appearance or personality.

  1. It's altruistic

Altruism refers to helpful acts taken to support and benefit others, often at your own expense.

When it comes to unconditional love, altruism means that you don't consider any potential benefit in loving someone. You offer your love for their support and benefit.

Love, so many say, is its own reward, but usually you are unhappy with altruistic acts. This is a point of contention in discussions about unconditional love in romantic situations.

Since healthy relationships are by definition mutually beneficial, this seems to suggest that romantic love - at least within the confines of a relationship - cannot really be unconditional.

  1. It includes acceptance and forgiveness.

People aren't perfect, and almost everyone makes a few decisions that they regret. However, unconditional love requires unconditional acceptance.

So you forgive mistakes and continue to offer love unconditionally, even - and this is important - when their decisions depress you or harm you.

You cannot love someone unconditionally unless your love remains unchanged despite their actions. However, you can love someone unconditionally without having a relationship with them.

Accepting sometimes means realizing when someone is unlikely to change and taking steps to protect your own well-being.

Is unconditional love healthy in a relationship?

It is healthy to give unconditional love. Otherwise, we don't really love the other person. Rather, we use affection as a control tool.

It is not healthy to offer love without limits.

Our relationships require basic expectations to be fulfilled - kindness, respect, and security. If these are not met, we may have to set hard limits. These boundaries may seem like you are distancing yourself or cutting yourself off altogether.

However, if you break up, that doesn't mean you have offered your love on terms. Remember that your love didn't make it owed to you. They don't owe you anything. But you owe yourself security, respect and kindness.

You can walk away from people you loved deeply to attend to your own needs and safety.

The problem with love without limits.

Love without borders can at least lead to unhappiness and, in the worst case, abuse. If we don't let our partners, parents, children, and friends know where we stand, what we expect, and how we should be treated, then we won't have equality in the relationship.

Sometimes we ignore these needs for boundaries in the name of "unconditional love." But in these moments we do not offer unconditional love.

We offer codependent love. In codependent relationships, we are so concerned with maintaining the dynamics in the relationships that we excuse or allow unacceptable behavior.

Again, this leads us to a place of unbalanced power and control, instead of a place of truly connected love, where we offer each person the opportunity to be responsible for their behavior with us.

There is a clear line between loving someone through hardship and accepting unacceptable behavior. The latter becomes clear when the relationship no longer provides the basic needs of a relationship.

If someone has harmed you and they are unwilling to make it right, then you need to set a limit on your own wellbeing. If you find that the relationship has turned into behavior that lacks kindness and respect, then chances are that a line needs to be set.

This is especially true if you've tried to communicate clearly and still see no change. If you empower the person in ways that are detrimental to your well-being, then that is not unconditional love - it is unhealthy, codependent love.

The healthy, personal boundaries must be included in love relationships

While we can offer unconditional love to others (even if they are difficult), we do not have to offer limitless love. You can offer love that is unconditional but still has limits.

For example, unconditional love with healthy boundaries looks like this:

“I love you and I support you no matter what. However, we no longer have the financial means to pay the bills for you ”.

"I love you, but I need some distance from you when you talk to me like that."

Unconditional love is not a binding contract.

Unconditional love becomes tangled when we believe that we need to offer that love all the time, even when basic relationship expectations are no longer met. Unconditional love means:

"Right now I am offering you this love, and you owe me nothing". It does not mean, "I am offering you this love, just this way, forever, even if you start to harm me".

Take, for example, a healthy relationship in which a couple offers each other the basic and necessary expectations in a relationship - kindness, respect, and security. And then that changes - a person goes through something and begins treating their partner with disrespect or cruelty.

If that changes, you can choose to set boundaries or distance yourself. It doesn't mean that your love wasn't unconditional. In this case, you freely offered your love for as long as you could, and then the moment you had to take care of yourself, you set healthy boundaries.

The concept of unconditional love means offering unconditional love in this moment. That doesn't necessarily mean forever. It means: “You can keep the love I am giving you now. I give it to you of my own free will. You don't owe me anything in return ”.

When we love this way, we are offering true love - the kind of love that allows others to be who they are. It is also the kind of love that allows us to reevaluate the relationship over and over and decide over time whether it still works for us and whether we are still able to give our love so freely .

Needy Vs. Unconditional Love

You may have heard of unconditional love more than love in need. So what is needy love? Love in need is more focused on one person or one thing.

For example, you can say: Man i love this car. It drives great! " That would be an example of conditional love. You love the car because it drives great. But if the car suddenly stops on the highway, you may not love the car anymore. Your love for your car depends on it to drive great.

When it comes to people, needy love refers to our love for someone as that person conforms to the notion of how we expect a person to think, act, dress, etc. For example, increase the love of our society Celebrities.

We may feel that our love for a celebrity knows no bounds and that there is nothing they can do to destroy that love. Then we find out that our favorite celebrity is an abuser and we can't get their movies or music out of our collections fast enough.

Our love for this celebrity depended on them meeting all of our expectations. As soon as they came up short, our love came to an end. This is an example of both altruism and total love. One minute you love her immeasurably and the next no more.

So love in need has more to do with control than real love. You love someone or something because you are under the illusion of control. However, as soon as that person or thing can no longer be "controlled", you no longer love them. That's why conditional love doesn't make a healthy relationship at all.

When your partner is trying to control how you dress, act, and feel, he or she is trying to get you to conform in his or her head to their ideal of you, not who you are.

Accepting yourself for who you are is unconditional love. Making you into the wrong image they created for you is needy love. If there are conditions attached to your relationship, such as a certain job, appearance, or status, then that love is not unconditional.

Passion is love in need. Therefore, sometimes when the passion comes to an end, hatred takes its place. Both are incredibly powerful emotions, and when someone who moves us passionately does something to hurt us or otherwise change our mind about them, that passion can turn into hate.

This is why passion and hate are both sides of the coin that is love in need, and therefore emotions cannot and should not be present in a mature, long-lasting relationship. That's not to say that your passionate love for your partner is a bad thing.

It is important to have a stable, constant, unconditional love under the passion so that the passion does not turn into hate if it does not meet your expectations. Falling in love is often not an overnight process, and neither is growing hatred of one another.

The basis of unconditional love is a selfless act in which passion and hate are more like self-centered emotions. The limitation or love that has to do with passion and needy love is a neural basis of unconditional love; they are connected with each other but at the same time separated.

Note: “Unconditional love” is and should not be an excuse for staying in an unhealthy relationship. Even if you love someone with all your heart and accept them for who they are, healthy boundaries are imperative.

Unconditional love means that you love someone regardless of the circumstances, but not regardless of how they treat you. Sometimes loving someone also requires making tough decisions and letting them go.

How to love someone unconditionally.

The word unconditional can sometimes create confusion or lead us to have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and the way we love. If it's easier, then consider the idea of ​​whole-hearted love instead.

To love with all your heart means to bend into vulnerability and offer our love because we want to offer it. Offering our love this way means that we give it because it feels good to give, not because we expect a certain outcome.

Full-hearted love also recognizes and prioritizes the wholeness of the two people. In order to give love with all your heart, you must love your partner and yourself completely.

You will know that it is love with all your heart when both people are ready to enter with all their hearts. When everyone has a voice.

When considering difficulties. When development takes place. When there is no scoreboard because you are on the same team and not on different teams.

You will know that love is not sincere when there are conditions, duties and demands, and when boundaries are crossed. In particular, you will know when you find that the basic expectations of love, warmth, and security are not being respected.

Here are 33 ways to know you've found unconditional love:

  1. If you admit your weaknesses, your partner will not shame or judge you but will accept all of your rough edges.

  1. When you become vulnerable, your partner will respond with empathy and encouragement, trying to allay your fears.
  1. You can tell the truth to each other - even if you are uncomfortable.
  1. When you do one another injustice, you actively seek redress and the rebuilding of trust.
  1. You can fully forgive one another.
  1. You don't fight or hold grudges over little things. Even when you argue, you respect each other and strive for a healthy solution.

  1. You don't feel like you have to prove yourself (or your love) to your partner.
  1. Your partner really puts your needs first without expecting them to get anything in return.
  1. Your partner's selflessness inspires your own - and vice versa.
  1. You can let go of your cover and be completely yourself in front of your partner.
  1. Your partner can drop their cover in front of you.

  1. Your partner encourages and inspires you to be the best version of yourself.
  1. You both see each other's full potential - and are each other's biggest fans.
  1. You celebrate each other's successes and survive tough times as a team.
  1. You have deep compassion for your partner.
  1. Even on bad days, you trust that your partner loves and accepts you for who you are.
  1. You feel that your partner wants you to do the things that you are passionate about.

  1. You feel safe You feel “at home” when you are with your partner.
  1. Your partner doesn't just listen when you talk about your fears, they encourage you to do so.
  1. You are both completely yourself when you are together.
  1. You bring out the best in the other.
  1. You are not dependent on each other. The other person's self-esteem does not depend on the other, nor does it make unhealthy habits or thought patterns possible. You both have your own opinion.
  1. You respect each other - especially when you disagree or let each other down.

  1. You both value communication and consider relationship health a priority.
  1. If you compromise in the relationship, you still respect your own values ​​and boundaries.
  1. Neither of you play games. You don't hold back love and affection to get what you want.
  1. You want to demonstrate your love for your partner in words and deeds throughout the day (even on a bad day, you can still bring him a coffee or send him a word of encouragement before his big get-together).
  1. You show your partner patience and compassion when they're going through a difficult time - knowing that you shouldn't take their temporary bad mood personally and that their bad times will pass.

  1. You find satisfaction in the act of loving him without making any conditions.
  1. You are not trying to protect your partner from pain. Instead, you support him and share it with him.
  1. You are proud of each other. When you're not together, just speak kindly to each other.
  1. You know that both of you are in it for the long term and with all your heart. You want to grow old with your partner and are ready to live life in a two-way relationship - no matter what the future brings.
  1. You also feel a spiritual love for your life partner.

Conclusion

Unconditional love begins with oneself.

You can only love someone unconditionally if you love yourself. You cannot be heartless and feel hopeless inside and act in a loving way towards others. Because that will exhaust you.

You must begin to love and accept yourself for who you are as a whole and make a conscious effort to grow, learn, and develop.